I have a theory developed over years of observing life around me. It could be inaccurate or a coincidence, and I admit I haven't done the research, but it seems to me the more a couple spends on a wedding, the less likely they are to have a joyful marriage that lasts.

At first, I used to feel empathetic towards the couple, imagining what it must feel like to have the person you thought to be your soul mate leave you or to have the relationship you'd thought would last forever crumble before your eyes. But the more I started to think about it, the more I realized that the emphasis was on the wedding rather than the marriage.

We live in a culture that loves to romanticize everything from love to just plain evil. We are constantly enticed by our desires (food, sex, status, etc.) and the idea that fantasy is reality. We are so used to "instantaneous" that we neglect to discern when "instant" will profit us, or it's to our detriment.

Great marriages don't just happen because a couple is great at being boyfriend and girlfriend. They don't just develop as a result of being a good match. And they certainly are not made from "being in love" (sorry to burst your bubble). Great marriages are built from the ground up, invested in, and very deliberate. The costs are constantly being counted against "divorce is not an option," a decision made in your heart independent of your spouse's actions.*

Couples who know and understand what it takes to stay joyfully married are far less concerned with the "show" of the wedding and having some fantasy lived out in real life. They know that a wedding lasts--at best--four hours, and a marriage lasts a lifetime. They know that the money spent on a wedding is gone in an afternoon, but that money used as a down payment on a house builds a home that lasts for years. They know that the cost of a wedding or the fantasy-like atmosphere of their wedding is not an indication of their love and commitment toward one another. And I gotta imagine that there are far fewer fights over the lack of money since they didn't go into debt for a one-day show. They take all that energy from making sure the "big day" is perfect to making sure that they can withstand the storms of the next 40, 50, or 75 years!

Don't get me wrong, I love a beautiful wedding scene--and I am not against anyone making their wedding a day to remember. HOWEVER, it disturbs me to find out after the big hoo-rah that the couple failed to put first things first; they failed to think about the day after the wedding, and now they are hoping (in retrospect & maybe subconsciously) that their gorgeous wedding will somehow help sustain their marriage.

I can't be clear enough. Despite what mass media constantly promotes, YOUR WEDDING IS NOT YOUR MARRIAGE. Don't be fooled. One does not represent the other. If you put all your energy into the wedding, it will be beautiful, but the marriage won't last. Use your time wisely. Invest in your marriage now--even before you become acquainted with a potential suitor. If you trade the vision of a perfect wedding for the vision of a lifelong joyful marriage, your wedding will be the ideal start of something beautiful.

*This statement is NOT about abuse. If you or someone you know finds themselves in an abusive relationship, all bets are off. Leave and get help as soon as you possibly can.

National Domestic Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)